The time for a revamp is here. I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror this morning– a frightful sight at the best of times but today was particularly bad. Sometimes I get depressed and when I wake up in that state it's like being at a night club when they turn the lights on to tell everyone to go home – it's an ugly sight.
"I have to drag myself out of this" I thought to myself.
To that end I've made the decision to turn a few things upside down, to make life a little more interesting, and of course, to document it along the way. Each week I'll post a blog that discusses four episodes of strangeness, personal encounters (good and bad) and also my obsessions: the worlds of psychology and marketing. This blog will now dig deeper than single marketing case studies or quick tips on how to present yourself – from now I'll be looking into the motivations, wants, urges, demands and spending habits in many fields. This week I look at some big issues: sex, religion, cars and iphone apps. I really wish I could think of an app that combined sex, religion and cars as I think the market potential would be enormous, but as it stands, these are three separate episodes of my life from this week.
Week 1, Episode 1: I can't be bothered having sex
Given the preamble written above you would most likely think this heading refers to me. It doesn't. My libido is unhealthy, but at the other end of the spectrum, and that's a story for another day. Today's story discusses the strange reality that a very long standing friend of mine can't be bothered having sex.
My friend is male, 28 years old, works full time as an orderly in a hospital, lives at home with his mother (parents divorced and has issues with his dad), part time graffiti artist. For the sake of this blog I'll refer to him as Dan, because that's his name. That little snapshot sums up the guy in the way most of us describe ourselves: our work and our hobbies. Sitting around at a bar a few nights ago I asked Dan how his love life is. As a direct consequence of his extreme lack of self-confidence and poor people skills the answer to this inquiry is usually "You know me man, I'm just too picky, although it's getting tough because I haven't had sex in like 6 months, it's tough."
But on this night Dan's answer was different. It turns out Dan had a great encounter and an ongoing relationship with an insatiable nurse. Although her sexual appetite is what he spoke about mostly it emerged through the conversation that this girl was crazy about him! Too early to call it love, I mean it's a casual affair but that's how all great loves begin, right? I was surprised, but happy for my friend. I'm guessing my excitement showed a little too much because he started to look a bit uncomfortable. "It's not as good as you think man, I just can't keep up. She wants to have sex two or three or four times in a row – I don't know if I can be bothered."
Wow.
Here is a guy that always complains about not having any sexual activity in his life, about girls not liking him, about having standards that are too high for an overweight guy that drinks and smokes too much and here he is, luck has delivered him a girl with a crazy sex drive and a deep infatuation with him. And he doesn't want it!
This confused me. It didn't make any sense at all. Sex is great fun, perhaps the most fun activity I can think of. Most people are either thinking about sex, or having sex most of the time. But this guy just doesn't have the appetite. He has an appetite, which shows in his complaints of not having sex when the well runs dry, but it appears to be more of a maintenance thing to him, just an activity to keep the tension down occasionally. It occurred to me that perhaps I'm in the minority, that even within my group of friends my thoughts and opinions around sex are different. I'm a reasonable guy and I can allow for this possibility, so I asked myself that if sex isn't at the top of his list of great things to do, what is?
"To be honest man, I just want to kick back with my friends, drink beer and get stoned"
And there it is. The declared preference of my friend is to lightly fry his brain in low grade toxins. He was destroying his brain bit by bit in preference to the rampant, primal, pleasurable, animal act of sexual intercourse. This was amazingly disappointing to me. I can understand that people can have a different set of likes and dislikes to me, but this is a clear sign that I'm losing a friend. Sure, we will still catch up regularly but the gregarious, funny, witty, sometimes charming, sometimes stupid friend that I grew up with is now, officially, a diminished version of himself.
The core of what we are is expressed in what we like and what we don't like. Everything else can come and go. "We are what we repeatedly do" says Aristotle, but he's thinking like a behaviourist. We are what we repeatedly want. This is why recovering alcoholics still refer to themselves as alcoholics.
The problem as I see it is that Dan doesn't actually want to sit with friends drinking and smoking all day, it's just that it is far easier than doing the really rewarding things in life. Exercise is the classic example. Eating a hamburger is a great feeling. The endorphin hit after exercise is a great feeling. To achieve the former you need $8.50 and to get off the couch for 10 minutes. To exercise you need to get up and run around at high speed for half an hour. The hamburger hit is the easy option, but ultimately the exercise is a better hit. Not only does it make you feel physically great, like a hamburger does, but it increases your view of yourself. You see yourself as slightly less lazy, on an improved health curve, etc. You don't get that with hamburgers, and you don't get that with being drunk and stoned all the time.
I need to get Dan to put the burgers away. Life can be so much better.
Epidosde two: All Human Societies have Religions
Do you ever take the time to read through publications that you hate just to get the opposing side? I do. It means that I can argue my point of view, explain myself clearly and make sure my opinion really is my opinion. For this reason I read The Economist. A recent article caught my attention. More specifically, a line in this article caught my attention "Religious types, noting the ubiquity (though not everyone is religious, all human societies have religions), argue that this proves religion is a real reflection of the underlying nature of things."
I grew up as a Catholic. For some reason my mother (now deceased) thought it extremely important to send me to a Catholic school. It was also very important for her that I went to an all-boy high school, apparently to make sure I wasn't distracted from my studies. Little did she know, unless she was watching from beyond the grave, that school became the distraction from girls. Merging the two would have at least kept me in class, but then, how would I have developed my sharp skills of negotiation and deception of authority figures? Thanks mum.
So I understand the culture of Religion. Morality is a great thing to teach children, it's essential. And as much as I hate rituals and the dark solemnity of hymns and eating blessed bread as a proxy for body parts of a man (demi-God?) now 2000 years dead, I can see that it is very helpful for a society to have a collective understanding of right and wrong.
But do we need religion for this?
My opinion is that we do not. The article in The Economist discusses that almost universal Religious notion of punishment for wrong doings, and what that overhanging dread does to a civilization and an individual. There are some interesting points but what I really want to know is what will happen in the absence of religion?
Religion forms a tricky little triangle with morality and law. The law of a country is supposed to represent and reflect the morality of its people, with an accompanying responsibility to protect those people. For example, the community as a whole clearly does not find marijuana use an abhorrent act. It is everywhere, yet it remains illegal on the basis of protecting people from themselves and preventing a build-up of unregulated industries. So where does religion fit? Religion has always driven the morality side. The Ten Commandments are as clear instructions as anyone could hope to receive. Interestingly, murder has been legislated against but coveting a neighbour is a driving force of the new capitalist economy. Imagine if the opposite were true, and we were free to kill and murder, according to law, but were thrown in jail if it could be proven that we were harbouring jealous thoughts of the guy next door with the attractive wife, swimming pool and fancy car.
It is often heard that we are becoming a secular society. This is true, religion definitely lacks the popularity it used to have (at least in this country!) But a deeper truth is that society is exercising its right to choose more than ever.
When I was growing up, twenty years ago, I knew that other Religions existed but they were weird and foreign and were thought to be something I would never encounter. It was all about Christianity. (Although there was this strange division between Catholics and other Christians that I thought was crazy, and still do.) The progression of life was that if your parents followed a religion, then you would too.
Then people realised they had a choice.
When I realised that nobody could force me to go to church I had the best day of my life. Sunday morning ALL TO MYSELF! It was an amazing, liberating feeling and I thought to myself, at the ripe age of ten years old, if church is such a good thing for me why is it such a chore? There was no joy for me listening to a priest rant from ancient texts, listening to a lot of old people try and sing and sound like some possessed mass of freaks that had long ago forgotten the meanings of their words but sang them to the best of their ability nonetheless.
At the risk of appearing glib, religion is now like car ownership. In Australia, back in the 1980s there were two real choices: Holden or Ford. Similar to the Catholic/Protestant distinction in Christian circles. Other options existed but they were for weird people and foreigners. Now, so many forms of religion, and personal spirituality, exist and people see that they can choose. And the most important choice of all is the choice to join or walk away.
This forces religion to provide pay offs. It used to provide people a moral umbrella and the comfort of knowing if they went to church this week their chances of going to heaven and having a pleasant after life were ever so slightly higher. Additionally, there was less chance of bad things happening to them. The cynical new age of people finds this hovering punishment to be a really poor motivator. We are a very impatient generation and we don't want to wait to receive the goods. The church simply won't get any traffic through their doors if their big payoff is going to be delivered after you die!
The Hillsong phenomenon is sweeping Australia and getting a lot of people to join. This is great. I don't agree with the institution of religion, there are far too many questions that remain unanswered, but the most important thing is that Hillsong makes people feel good! They get up there and sing their hearts out. The Sister-Act style choirs that I've seen in so many movies make me think "I can see how that would be fun!" This is what the church needs. You can send the same messages of morality and punishment – BUT LEARN HOW TO PROMOTE IT!
Episode three: without wheels
I made a big decision based on logic. I sold my car. I'm not a car person and I never thought I was particularly attached to my car. It was a Subaru Impreza, base model. All in all, it was a very comfortable car and in great condition. The sound system was okay, it wasn't overly powerful, it didn't turn heads or have sex appeal and I hadn't really been through any life-changing experiences with it.
But I miss that car!
In the logical part of my mind the decision was clear. I was rarely driving this sandy coloured machine. Now that work from home my wife and I can share a car. I'd prefer not to pay for insurance and maintenance for a car that just sits there five days a week. The extra cash is really handy. Even as I type this I'm doing so on a laptop that was paid with the money received from that car. Fantastic!
But I really miss that car!
And I now realise what I miss, and it isn't the ability to get to places – I can still do that in the car that my wife and I share. The thing I miss is that personalised little sanctuary. I can't explain to you the sheer pleasure I felt driving around with my music playing far too loud, with the windows down and singing at the top of my lungs. That, my dear readers, is a beautiful freedom that I miss.
It was sad to sell the car. The guy who bought it off me offered to give me the $19,000 in cold hard cash. Whilst that pile of dollars would have been an impressive sight, I opted for a bank cheque.
But it's an expensive freedom. Insurance, servicing and petrol cost approximately $3,000 a year. What a deal – a cash injection and I've saved myself$3,000 a year! It was an exciting deal, it was a quick deal and it was a satisfying deal. Economically speaking the decision is a great one, as long as the money I've got is going towards something just as pleasurable. It's very good to have the big weight of tertiary education debt off my back, but the removal of that burden seems to pale in comparison to that feeling!
If I can give an easy piece of advice to everyone it would be to fill your world with the music you love. It will give you energy and inspiration. We are the sum of our likes and dislikes, and music is a great form of personal expression. I enjoy my music in an isolated bubble, others might prefer it jumping around in a sea of people. Enjoy it your way, but make sure you enjoy it!
It is clear that I don't need a car for transportation. My ability to get around has not been hindered in the slightest, but the whole process has forced me to look closely at what I really enjoy – and it wasn't the car, it was the buzz of the music.
Now I really don't miss that car!
Episode Four: Build me an iPhone App
It is a great pleasure of mine that I work with entrepreneurs. In stark contrast to corporate life, these people are amazing to work with. Firstly, you get to know an entrepreneur very quickly. They wear their personalities on their sleeves. They have confidence and are generally excited people. The advantage of this is that you can find out very quickly if you're a personality match, and if you are – things happen very quickly!
Four of us were sitting around discussing the various business activiites of these three great minds. These three people made the majority of their cash twenty years ago and now tend to work out of habit and pleasure than out of necessity. To this end I get a lot of questions thrown my way about 'young stuff'. One such topic is iPhone applications.
Two psychologists, a techie and me, in a room. Six, eager eyes pointed at me wanting my opinion. Unfortunately I have absolutely zero experience in designing and creating iPhone applications! Sure, I'm a user and I've got 30 or so apps on my phone, but that doesn't make me an expert!
But that is where my view on life is very different to that of an entrepreneur.
There I was explaining the limitations of my experience and skillset, trying to make sure I wasn't presenting any false expectations. This didn't matter to my small audience. Roadblocks are not roadblocks to this group of people – they're mere inconveniences that we will get through. Don't know how to build an iPhone App? That's okay, we'll learn how!
That happened four short months ago. We are now a week away from publishing Rate-Me on the AppStore. It has been one of the steepest learning curves of my professional life. When I sat down to Christmas dinner in December last year I had no idea how to put all this together. Four weeks along and I've designed, developed, built and published an iPhone App.
The lesson in all of this?
- Download the Rate-Me App as soon as you can!
- Surround yourself with people that DO. There are countless people that will say "it's too hard" or "it will take too long" or "I can't do that". Let these people dwell in the land of limitations, if you want to get things done, find people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and do it!
